


Guns Solve Everything

by mr6volt



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Humor, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-13
Updated: 2016-11-13
Packaged: 2018-08-30 17:15:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8541862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mr6volt/pseuds/mr6volt
Summary: Events in the Graveyard during Book 4 go very very differently.





	

**Author's Note:**

> After watching Archer, and simultaneously trying to write Chapter 3 of Virgil's Log... i got inspired...

After running the ridiculous gauntlet of the Third Task, Harry should have seen this coming. Honestly, what was he expecting? Congratulations? Ice Cream? Rita Skeeter’s head on a pike?

Harry attempted to jiggle the arms of the statue that held him in place to no avail. ‘Bloody Hell, I thought Pettigrew was more incompetent than this.’ huffing and giving up for the moment. ‘Nothing for it, I suppose.’

Peter Pettigrew’s rat like form approached the black cauldron while holding an ugly baby swaddled in a black cloak. Harry scoffed in disgust. “What the hell, Peter? Did you have to kidnap the ugliest baby you could find just to get a decent hand job?”

The rat like man’s eyes widened and turned back to Harry. “I don’t need to kidnap anyone to get a handjob from a baby!”

“Wormtail!” Baby-Voldemort barked.

“No… wait.” Peter blushed in mortification, only then realizing what he had just said.

“THE RITUAL!” The deformed baby wailed.

“*Sigh*, Right, Right”. Peter scowled at the bundle in his arms and carelessly flung it into the boiling cauldron. “...bloody arse… should just let him drown... “ he muttered. Turning towards a grave marker next to Harry. “Bone of the father, unwittingly…”

Harry deciding not to allow them the satisfaction of cooperation, and decided his best bet was to escalate. “If you’re making poached dark lord, don’t forget the basil and thyme. It’ll help bring out that veal like flavor you’re going for.”

Flailing in frustration at being interrupted yet again, his summoning spell missed the bones of Voldemort’s father and instead latched onto to the pile of dog shit laying next to it. “Can’t you be serious for once in your life boy? I’m trying to do important work here!”

“No, that’s my godfather.”

*inarticulate screech* Peter grit his teeth, still not having noticed his mistake and allowed the log of shit to drop into the cauldron. *bloop* “Bone of the father…. errr… something, something, something.” Foot stomp. “Bloody hell.” Peter face-palmed.

“Are you sure you know what you’re doing?” Harry was barely containing his mirth. "You forgot the tomato sauce!"

*growl* “ _ **FLESH**_ of the servant… willingly... Oh _sod this_...” Pettigrew clearly changing his mind at the last minute, starts fishing around in his coat pocket.

“I can think of something you’ve never needed…” Harry giggled.

“SHUT UP!” Pulling out a piece of paper, Peter read aloud. “Tippy!”.

*POP!* “M-Master Calls?” The bedraggled looking house elf asked.

“Come ‘ere you…” The rat-man immediately snatched the elf off it’s feet and threw it head first into the cauldron. “Right.. willingly sacrificed!” He nodded to himself with a sense of accomplishment.

*snort* "Idiot.." Harry whispered.

At this point the water in the cauldron began to rapidly shift through a rainbow of colors, and elicit what sounded like the howls of a drowning cat. “You can shut up, too!”

“Blood of the enemy…”

“Get bent Peter, if you stick me with that i’m screaming rape! OW!” Harry’s arm was viciously sliced open. “Bugger me, if I don’t kill you first!”

*evil giggle* “... you will resurrect your foe!” Peter being the clumsy idiot that he is, fumbled the knife and dropped it into the boiling mess. “Shite...”

Gurgling inside the huge cauldron accelerated its pace while the outer surface glowed red hot. The next moment, Peter is drenched in the boiling hot potion and screaming in agony. Around him black smoke is swirling about dramatically, and slowly coalesces into a shape that vaguely resembles a humanoid. In fact it looked more like a very tall house elf with skin looked more like dog shit.

The figure gestures regally, while running hands over itself inappropriately.

A completely drenched and moaning Peter covered in blisters approached with a cloak timidly. “Here m-m-master..”

*snigger* Harry finally came unglued and began to belly laugh at the sight before him. “Look at you! The Dark Lord of Tea and Socks!”

Voldemort spun around indignantly causing his bat like ears to flap about. “What insolence is this?” He squeaked, and then slapped his hand to his mouth in horror.

Harry merely laughed even harder.

Yanking his wand out of Peter’s hand, Voldemort fired off a Crucio in Harry’s direction. Apparently due to his new unfamiliar body, the spell struck the side of the statue instead causing the marble to explode, and freed Harry from his prison.

The young wizard sprinted between the gravestones in search of cover as a frustrated dark lord continued sending curses his way. “HAHAHAHAHA! WANKER!”

“Crucio! Bombarda! AVADA KEDAVRA! Confringo!” Each spell came out in a twisting stream of chaos and hit random objects in the area. “WORMTAIL! What did you do to my wand?!”

Peter cowered. “Master?”

“CRUCIO!” That time the spell hit home dropping the rat-man to the ground in a screaming heap.

Voldemort awkwardly reached down towards Peter, and after 3 failed attempts at snatching the man’s arm, he yanked his sleeve up. Peter began to cry pathetically as the dark lord’s wand touched his skull tattoo.

Harry was hardly through having his fun, and popped back out of cover. “Hey Moldy! Need to call your inbred goons to do all of the work for you? Or do you just have a fetish for being kicked around by Malfoy?”

“AVADA KEDAVRA!” Another statue exploded nearby. *frustrated screech”

Peter’s eyes widened when he realized that Harry was holding a pair of muggle guns. With reflexes that only a coward can have, he flung himself behind a gravestone as the boy’s Tec-9’s opened fire at Full Auto.

The gravestone did not, however, protect Peter from the spray of blood and brain matter when Voldemort’s basketball shaped head exploded. The moment the dark lord’s body hit the ground, death eaters began to appear around them. “Bloody hell!” One of them shouted in dismay at the sight.

Not missing a beat, Harry squeezed the trigger on his 9mm pistols and slowly panned across the arrangement of death eaters, dropping them to the ground in a gory mess.

After snatch his holly wand from the ground, Harry strolled back towards the fallen triwizard cup. He quickly noted Peter in his peripheral vision, and remembered his promise to kill the rat. Not bothering to make a snarky comment in his mounting exhaustion, Harry lazily aimed the gun in his left hand to his 7 o'clock.. 

*BANG!* Peter’s body slumped backwards with a bloody hole between his eyes.

“Accio dead hufflepuff.” Harry muttered, and was immediately bowled over by the flying body. “Sodding hell..” He huffed. "This could have gone better."

“Accio cup!”

-FIN-


End file.
